walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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