Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
