i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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