How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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