Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
