That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize