trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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