Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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