I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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