evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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