Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
