I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
