Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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