Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
