Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
