the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He shit in the fireplace
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
