he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Can I color on your dick again?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
