I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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