he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
