Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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