good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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