how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
