Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
