I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
