Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize