On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
