if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Randomize
