i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
