6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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