guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
one might say we're banned from that church
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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