are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize