I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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