Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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