Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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