my phone needs a breathalizer
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
