I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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