I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
