a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
