i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
