Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
