I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
