I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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