1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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