oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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