john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
