I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
