i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
40s are totally the cure
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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