Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
