i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
