If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
