Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
