Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
