sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
