You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
