You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
