i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
