somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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