Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
