Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
