Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
