South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
