I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
