that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
